I’ve been single for quite some time now, and being single is pretty much the greatest. No one’s around to tell you that you’re watching too much Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, you don’t ever have to pretend to care about sports or join a fantasy football league, the only laundry you ever do is your own, and you literally get to do who or whatever you want.
The downside to being single is that you have to try and date other people, and this is where it can get horrifying. Truthfully I am actually a hopeless romantic and tend to have a very open heart, so my 20s have naturally been filled with some scary dating experiences that have left me with some important knowledge for the future. If you are single and you do not have a list (a mental one at least, but it helps to write them down) of red flags, then you are either extremely brave or helplessly unaware. Here are some of my (I called upon my best friend for some advice as well) most important dating RED FLAGS in no particular order:
1. He’s not on Facebook
Sure, everyone hates Facebook and wishes they didn’t have to do it. But, most people will also say the same thing about their job from time to time, but that doesn’t mean they quit. You and I might hate Facebook but we’re still on it. Why? Because you and I are normal human beings who have decided to be a part of society. The guy who says he’s not on Facebook does not function by societal norms, which you might find intriguing. However, it’s actually not interesting at all once you realize that not only is he hiding his personal life from “the world,” but he’s also hiding his personal life from you, which you are not a part of, nor should you ever be. He is not to be trusted.
2. He’s a DJ
DJ’s are a particularly scary breed of men that aren’t much different than vampires. They live in a different mysterious world than you and I, which, might explain their initial appeal. However, even if you do manage to find a DJ who actually likes to socialize before sunset, you will find that this dark underworld is one which they thrive within and will attempt to bring you down into at the detriment of your well being. The undead will always try to feed off the living. You are alive and full of potential with a bright future ahead of you, your DJ is not.
3. He’s getting a divorce
Okay, so this seems like an obvious one, but men can be completely ridiculous (read: douche bags). If a guy starts flirting with you then you’re probably going to assume he’s single, at which point it’s always best to at least do a little bit of research (especially if the flirting is taking place online.) If the first thing you find when you background check this person is a picture of him with a woman sharing his last name then you should walk away. There’s no need to confront this person about whether or not he’s married. If he’s flirting with you, he’s just going to lie and say he’s not married regardless of the circumstance. He might confess that he’s technically still married but on his way to getting a divorce. Or, he might even tell you that he’s actually divorced and just looks like he’s still married on social media for the sake of his business which him and his ex own together. Is this sounding like complete garbage to you? Good, all you should see right now is smelly red flags covered in bullshit.
4. He’s better looking than you
Really really good looking guys are almost always one or more of the following: insane, bisexual and insane, or plain ol’ assholes. If he looks like a model or he actually is a model, then he has grown up in a different world than you have. A world where he didn’t ever really have to try that hard to be intelligent, funny, a nice person, OR good in bed. Sometimes attractive men can be really good in bed because they are huge man sluts and have just had lots of practice, but other times they are the worst people to have sex with because they think they don’t have to try.
5. He never talks about his family
Normal people talk about their families early on into a relationship. Actually, normal people frequently talk about family on a first date. If a guy doesn’t talk about his family or he actually says he does not have a relationship with his family, this is definitely cause for concern. People who aren’t close to their family can have all sorts of weird baggage or issues. Also, a guy could be cool with his family but just never mention them to you, and this is because he has no interest in actually being in a real relationship with you. Basically if you have started sleeping with a guy on a regular basis but you don’t know anything about his family then you are not his girlfriend. Red flag.
6. He asks you out via social media
Online dating is definitely considered to be normal these days. However, when the online dating happens on a platform that’s not actually made for online dating, things can get weird. One of the oddest ways that a guy has ever asked me out was definitely via Vine. Not only is Vine a much underused app, but it’s also an app that does not really facilitate flirting in my opinion. However, I love funny people and funny people love Vine, so I gave Vine guy a shot. Needless to say, things got weird fast. After our first date he then lied and told me he was going out of town. How did I know this was a lie? Because he Vined himself that weekend showing himself in Austin. After this he dared to ask me out again to go see a movie which I agreed to (maybe there was a Vine misunderstanding.) When I asked him what time we were going to the movie I didn’t get a text back until a week later and all it said was “sorry for being sketch.” Actually, I’m sorry for being sketch because what’s sketch is that I ever agreed to go out with a guy who asked me out via VINE.
7. He has a framed pictured on his wall of himself with Rick Perry
No explanation needed for this one.
8. You initially think he might be gay
9. He says he’s an “artist”
Artist is code for “doesn’t have a job.” Sometimes “freelancer” can mean the same thing. Yellow flags should be raised in the very least.
10. He’s still really close with an ex.
If a guy is still talking to a girl he once dated on a regular and frequent basis then there’s a 100% chance that he would have sex with her if the opportunity presented itself, there’s at least a 70% chance he has already had sex with her more than once when they weren’t together, and there’s a 60% chance he’s still in love with her.
What are your red flags?? I’d love to know. Please tell me I’m not the only single girl with a growing list of red flags. There’s no need to be embarrassed. Knowledge is power!